Isn't that great? You and your baby will have a closer relationship, he'll learn he can depend on you, and he'll feel more secure that lions won't eat him, thus leaving him free to concentrate on age appropriate developmental tasks. Dependency is the natural state of small humans, and feeling safe is essential to early development.
That's an issue for most of us. It helps a lot to buy a sling or wrap, so you have your hands free for food shopping or folding laundry. But it helps even more if you just let go of everything on your "to-do" list that isn't essential. Just because you're home with the baby doesn't mean it's your job to handle all the household chores by yourself. Your job is the baby, and your own health and well-being. Of course not. All babies benefit from a certain amount of time to play independently, and to watch you from a safe place as you chop the onions for dinner or take a shower.
What we expect has a lot to do with how we feel about what we get. They learn not to depend on others because no one will come when they call.
Babies learn to self-soothe by being comforted, which teaches them not to panic, that their emotions are manageable. Being soothed when they cry actually changes the brain chemistry and neural connections so that babies learn to soothe themselves. Being left to cry changes brain chemistry and neural connections so that babies become more easily upset and less able to soothe themselves as time goes on.
The amygdala actually becomes permanently enlarged. Being soothed when upset is just as important to your baby's development as being fed and diapered. Babies love to watch you go about your work from the safe vantage point of a sling or backpack, until they start creeping. Babies who are carried actually demand less attention than babies who are made to sit by themselves in strollers, seats and playpens, probably because their needs for companionship and stimulation are met at the same time.
Americans are generally suspicious of dependency, in any form. But clinging is appropriate in small humans, just as in small chimpanzees. We acknowledge that children are children, and need our tending as they grow. Our child-raising tradition owes much to John Watson, who wrote in his famous parenting book published in If you must, kiss them once on the forehead when they say goodnight.
Shake hands with them in the morning. Give them a pat on the head if they have made an extraordinary good job of a difficult task. Remember that Dr. Spock, in , was considered a radical for suggesting that infants should be fed when they were hungry, rather than on a schedule. Many babies gradually "learn" to go to sleep by themselves. However, Ferber is right that many babies don't, because they have learned to fall asleep nursing or being rocked to sleep.
That meant they slept in bed with their son every night, fed him milk every time he cried, and carried him everywhere they went in a baby sling. Though the intentions behind the philosophy are wonderful—let's raise secure, attached, emotionally healthy children—attachment parenting is an unsustainable model. I am an absolute proponent of meeting a baby's needs—and especially to meeting every need as soon as you can in those first couple of fragile weeks. And some elements of attachment parenting—such as sleeping in the same room as a newborn but not in the same bed , and baby-wearing when it's convenient—are great.
But like so many trends that catch on through social media and word-of-mouth, it's gotten out of balance. And like many well-intentioned practices, when taken to an extreme, it loses all value. One of the tenets of attachment parenting is that you breastfeed a child on demand. That can lead to a habit where a child will snack—eating a little bit many times throughout the day.
It's much harder to get the baby on a schedule when he's snacking constantly, and it's hard for the mom to get anything done, let alone take care of her own needs, while feeding her baby all the time. I also fear that breastfeeding on demand can limit the role of other caregivers. If the baby is eating so frequently, he probably just wants his mother.
What example do you want to set for your child? I, for one, want to set an example of humility, of compassion, of open-mindedness and flexibility. I just returned home the other day and am trying to get caught up on everything.
Your anecdotes of parents mean nothing with respect to data and none of us AP parents are looking to push it, but rather to point out the idiocy of people who blame it for not being responsive.
All the things you mention about not being right, dependable support, etc. IS attachment parenting. Amazing article! Thank you for this post!
I just came across it on FB who knew FB could actually make accurate suggestions sometimes!?! You did just that far more eloquently than I. Yes, add me to your mailing list! Previous Next. It starts a little something like this… Guess what. I sleep-trained my infant. Tracy Cassels, PhD is the Director of Evolutionary Parenting, a science-based, attachment-oriented resource for families on a variety of parenting issues.
In addition to her online resources, she offers one-on-one support to families around the world and is regularly asked to speak on a variety of issues from sleep to tantrums at conferences and in the media. Related Posts. February 2nd, 0 Comments. December 3rd, 0 Comments. November 18th, 2 Comments. June 23rd, 2 Comments. June 10th, 2 Comments.
Anya April 10, at pm - Reply. Marina Gallovitch April 10, at pm - Reply. L April 10, at pm - Reply. And I am not perfect. Katharine September 6, at pm - Reply. Laura April 11, at am - Reply. Tracy April 11, at am - Reply. Kayla October 20, at pm - Reply.
Anne April 11, at am - Reply. Tracy April 11, at pm - Reply. Great article, thanks. Sorry for the rant. Tracy April 17, at am - Reply. Tracy April 22, at am - Reply. Gosh I rant! Liv March 24, at am - Reply. Monica July 29, at pm - Reply. Janine September 7, at am - Reply. Alicia November 11, at am - Reply.
Celestea October 2, at am - Reply. Miranda November 10, at pm - Reply. I have to keep reminding myself of this. Saidy November 11, at am - Reply.
Dana November 11, at am - Reply. Clare October 22, at am - Reply. Tracy October 24, at pm - Reply. Alex February 8, at am - Reply. Tracy February 8, at pm - Reply. Thanks for this article. As a result, children who grew up in these Romanian Orphanges were shown to have a dramatically increased risk for major problems with insecure attachments, sociability and indiscriminate friendliness — as well as significant differences in brain development. For these children, a lack of love and connection was found to be associated with anatomical differences in key regions of the brain.
Sociobiologists Heider Keller and Hiltrud Otto have questioned whether such periods in German history have played a role in shaping parenting for future generations. In their book chapter, Is there something like German parenting? Indeed, since World War II, child-centred philosophies and practices from the Western world have taken root in German society. And high levels of immigration have meant that there are many ideas and beliefs about parenting in contemporary Germany that sit alongside these generational trends.
Much of the contemporary Western evidence suggests that, in contrast to what the Nazis thought, attachment still plays an important role in many societies when it comes to raising children — even though the ways in which such attachments are arranged can vary dramatically.
And while researchers have provided evidence that certain features of attachment may be universal, others can vary remarkably from culture to culture. It has been presumed, for example, that there is a universal need and motivation for all infants to form attachments to caregivers.
They are thought to be neurologically hardwired to seek close attachments and to be equipped with a behavioural repertoire that has evolved to facilitate this. But how such attachments are formed and with whom can differ.
But this is not universally true that has to be mother or primary care giver and is largely a reflection of Western middle-class societies. Research in other cultures has revealed different ways of responding to the universal need for attachment security in infants.
Her data revealed some fascinating differences around attachment. Nso mothers tended to have very different beliefs about the value and importance of an exclusive mother-infant bond. In fact, they often discouraged maternal exclusivity, believing that to provide optimal care, many caregivers is best. And as one mother noted, higher maternal death rates increased the importance having many caregivers to look after children:.
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